Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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