Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
