there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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