You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dear god my vagina.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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