Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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