No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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