I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
