her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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