I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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