A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
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Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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