Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
