I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
