ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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