Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
