My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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