I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
