what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize