Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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