I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
