I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
