I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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