Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
