Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
