8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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