Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
it hurts more in the daytime
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
