shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
