I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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