My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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