wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
