My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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