my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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