At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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