Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
