Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
