I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
