Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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