im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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