My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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