watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
