: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
