I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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