You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
