I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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