I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
