whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
