she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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