This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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