I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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