i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
