i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
