capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
