I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
