I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
