I wish my penis had an off switch
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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