I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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