I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
