Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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