if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
