You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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