I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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